Moron

              The MORON PUBLISHED FOR THE HALF-WITS OF LOYOLA PENITENTIARY NO. 13 NO. VOL. WHO CARES.7 TO CONDUCT CLASSES BY RADIO PLAN WHEREBY ALL CLASSES WILL BE ' HELD OVER UNIVERSITY BROADCASTING STATION BEGINNING NEXT SEPTEMBER NEW METHOD INVENTED BY JAWN PESKY OF WWL TO COMBINE BOTH SOUND AND PICTURE FACILITIES Indefinite announcement has been forthcoming from unreliable sources that classes in all departments will be conducted exclusively by radio next year. This plan is the result of a lontr series of debates between the student body, led by the re doubtable Lazy Leßlanc, and members of the faculty board. This mode of procedure will undoubtedly prove far more pleasing to the student body. AH lectures will be broadcast over the university broadcasting station by the same professors ,vho teach today. By a special process invented and copyrighted by Mr. Jawn Pesky, the itaannouncer, only registered stu-111 know the COtTeCl wave - he has discovered a ehori equency that is unknown to radii experts. A special radiograph irojected on a jcreen in the ni room so that he may follow in -nations that accompany the By this method, the student may lie in bed, and go to sleep peace fully, and the professors will be saved the annoyance of having to wake them up, Then, too, when aj lecture becomes too monotonous, one tune it out by a simple turn of lial. •lure will be no way of ng a roll call, the students will to show themselves within the walls except on examination days. A suggestion made by one of the undergraduates that exams be conducted by radio did not meet with the approval of the faculty. The new teaching method will incorporate two of the outstanding achievements of modern times—the radio which not only projects the voice, but also radio-vision. Of course, if a student accidentally tunes in on B downtown theatre by mistake, no one can be blamed for it, for mistakes do happen. DENTAL STUDENTS LEAVE SCHOOL AS HUMANITY BECKONS "I'd Have Been Thrown Out Anyway, So I Quit Before They Fired Me," Says Novak According to latest reports from the dental school, two of the Junior honor students of the dental department will resign from Loyola next month in order to affiliate themselves with ;i well-known dental parlor on-Canal street. Drs. Holewinki and Novak have refused pleas of both faculty and Student lDody to remain in school and assume professorships after graduation. In his new location, Dr. Holewinski will have sole charge of all MAURICE JUGE STARTLES LOYOLA BY STRANGE ACTION "Jug-Head" Accomplishes the Unusual By Arriving at Class On Time Maurice Juge, alias the "Ju(f- Head" of Loyola has at last arrived at class on time. The occasion Caused six students to drop dead and the professor to faint I pass out) completely. Juge, who is a sort of shy young man, was very bashful about his great accomplishment. Besides a mere eeries of grunts, ughs, and snorts, .1 urhead refused any comment whatsoever. But that was when he was passing for the rotogravure pictures. In front of the movitone camera, Juge gave a good account of himself. "I owe my great success," said be, "to total abstinence from all beverages .such as water, tea, and milk. Rising earlier has given me an acute intellect. An ability to think. Thank you, ladies and otherwise."The day Juge arrived at class on time was marked by the Gregorian calendar as April 1. PHARMACY STUDENT DISCOVERS NEW DRUG Ponzo, Honor Student, Reveals Startling Results Prom Dr. Grasaer, dean of the Pharmacy department, we have just learned that Ponzo, one of the honor students of his class has recently discovered a new drug, rare and supreme in quality and value. According to I,ouzo, this drug brings into action lioth Bayles and Charles' Seews, exemplifying the principles of Avagadro and Merilk. The discovery is the result of much work and humbug by Ponzo. He states that the active principle is: atiopin, and that its strength is so: great that when one drop is added to five gallons of water and forma Cresol, its acidity is reduced to normal, and it has the property of activating the flow of saliva to the stom-' ach. Ponzo's discovery was brought about by his love for wheat cakes and liver; the extra flow of saliva enabling him to faster consumption. The only antidote for the caustic effect of this alkaloid is by injecting C. P. H-2SO 1 intravenously every 15 minutes until relieved. Ponzo, modest that he is, was last seen before we go to press pricing cuckoo clocks and Turkish tapestry at Grants. VINCENT STARTS "CONSCIENCE FUND" FOR CHEATERS Inspired by Senator Borah's famous "conscience fund" by which those who "gypped" thi government might salve their consciences, Gilbert Vincent, the "man Loyola is proud of," announces that he has started a similar "conscience fund" on our campus. The system is as follows: Anyone who has committed a foul deed such as cheating on exams, stealing or killing, may expiate this crime by mailing a letter to Vincent with whatever cash contributions his conscience may dictate. The contributions thus received are then used to remedy the bad coditions caused by aforesaid acts of killing, stealing, or cheating, foul deeds, etc., without tlie identity of aforesaid committer of aforesaid foul deeds, acts of killing, stealing or cheating becoming known. For example, one of the letters sent in to Vincent (unsigned) is as follows: Dear Sir—I am writing lefthanded so you won't know who I am. Last week I cheated (successfully I in Prof. 'a examination. I did this by tearing the pages out of my book and pasting them on Prof. 's back while he was tying his shoestring. Whenever he turned around 1 copied off his back. Please use the enclosed S") to soothe my conscience. Signed —Anonymous. Vincent used the money to buy cigars for the aforementioned professor who had been taken advantage of. Other similar letters have been received. Contributions were thickest following third-quarter exams. Cheaters on exams however are not the only ones who contribute. There is a letter in .John Hunter's handwriting which confesses that the writer voted for himself in the recent popularity contest. The letter however contains only a two-cent stamp and the following Postscript it attached: "I am not donating much money because I really was most popular and most handsome anyway and my conscience does not hurt me much." AL CAPONE UNIVERSITY ANNOUNCES ADDITION OF AL CAPONE TO TEACHING STAFF Courses in Gunning, Hi- Jacking and Bootlegging To Be Offered Students Announcement was made today by Ihe improper authorities that Loyola University has secured the teaching service., of Mr. Al Capone, noted exponent of Chicago's pop-gun works, who will conduct gunning beginning next September, Mi. Capone is highly enthusiastic over the prospects of his new professorship. "While plans are yet tentative," he told a Moron despondent, "I hope not only to give courses to Loyola students in bootlegging and gunning, but also to offer the best in the allied arts." Mr. Capone concluded the interview by saying that he hoped to arrive in New Orleans sometime before September, provided lie could get through the police cordon guarding the city. The new professor comes to Loyola well recommended by the university of crime, holding, several honorary degrees of the third order. In addition, Mr. Capone has served several years in Philadelphia and other northern universities. "Scarface Al," as he is affectionately known, has distinguished himself most singularly in the chemistry of liquids. It is to his genius, it is said, we owe the new chemical "Bonded stuff" aged in a bath-tub, twelve times more reactive on the walls of the stomach than H2SO4. The same authority predicted the tremendous popularity of the course, calling attention to the hundreds of students who had signified their intention of enrolling in the class. Among those noted in line at the registrar's office were nted James Nolan, Jacques Yenni and Nicholas Masters. Professor of Chemistry Indicated in Love Scandal ARREST JIMMIE MARKEY ON BIGAMY CHARGE Everyone recently, has been wondering just what is the trouble with Prof. Jimmie Markey. He appears at class with his hair uncombed; he has deep dark circles under his pale wan. sunken eyes, and his checks are drawn and sallow, ante bellum, he is on the precipice of a nervous breakup.The thousands of students attending Loyola have been swarming the Moroon office daily, demanding an investigation into the case. Well, the Moron reporters were sent out immediately, at once, by th.e editorin-sleep, and this is the result: During the past week, when the annoying examinations were being held, "Jimmie" Markey suddenly disappeared from New Orleans. He was next seen in 'AVEEY ISLAM),, somewhere off thec oast of Africa. When he alighted from the submarine, the entire A very Island police force consisting of 50,000 arrested Jimmie on the charge of bigamy. Yes, sir, two (2) wives at one time I Fortunately for him however, his first wife committed suicide by drinking 'Carter's Mucilage' when she learned of his duplicity. She left a note which began: "You home wrecker, etc., etc. . . ." Upon his release from jail, he waa welcomed by his second wife and her eleven partially grown-up daughters (some elucidation is probably necessary here; you see she was a widow with the eleven children when she married Jimmie Markey). And now upon his return to the city, we find that the whole menagerie accompanied him. His wife cannot bear to have her poor unprotected 'Jimmie' running around unchaperoned in such a large, wicked city. It is widely rumored that he is truly insanely in love with No. 2. Well perhaps that accounts for his present unconscious condition. The famous Irish poet William Shakagpear describes 'Jimmie' quite deficiently in oiu' of his latest newspaper articles entitled "Mcßeth" in which he says: ". . . . He never told his love, But let concealment, like a worm i" the bud, Feed on his damask cheek: he pined in thought: And, with a green and yellow melancholy,lie sat like patience on a monument,Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?" The Moron staff has hired a private detective to keep an eye or. this 'naughty professor.. BRUTE GALLE OFFERED PROFESSORSHIP AS REWARD FOR SCHOLARSHIP The former football captain of the 1929 eleven, "Brute" Galle, hai been offered a professorship from Harvard University to teach languages, psychology and philosophy. It may well be remembered how successfully Mr. Galle completed his four-year course. Besides his selected course. Galle took French, Greek and Latin as a side line and had no greater pleasure than to study psychology. Not only a scholar, but also an athlete. Brute found time to divert himself on the gridiron and came out equally suctul.At present "Brute" is considering whether he will take a similar offer from Vale University or not; "it all depends where women are hottest," remarked Mr. Galle, and added, "after inspection I will tell you my direction." (Continued on page 4) BELIEVE IT OR NOT-RIPLEY J Ml ' —. OH, YOU MUST COME OVER