Moron

              MORON LOYOLA UNIVERSITY  NEW ORLEANS LOUISIANA APRIL 1 1876 VOL. Lll NQ SI Merger of Loyola and Tulane imminent by Cathy Foley Loyola and Tulane University will be merging sometime within the next week according to the Very Reverend James C. Carter, S.J. The new name for the University will be Toyola University. The Business School as well as the Art, Communications and Religious Studies departments will be moved to Tulane's campus. The Anthropology and Sociology departments of Tulane will be moved onto the Loyola Campus. The Quad and University Center at Tulane will also be moved onto the Loyola Campus. Residence halls of Tulane and Loyola will merge moving Biever and Buddig Halls to the Tulane Campus, replacing the Quad there. The dormitories will all be co-ed with the Jesuit residents of Loyola's Thomas Hall serving as Resident Assistants. In all, the residence halls will house 67,000 students, 63 soda machines, 47 candy machines, 476 Jesuits and 7,133 toilets. Names of the dormitories will remain the same. Also on the agenda is a new sports program. A new coaching staff will be hired to take over the present program. Peter Maravich, star of the New Orleans Jazz basketball team will coach the football team. A basketball coach has not been hired. Applications are being accepted at the Tulane Rathskeller for anyone interested; students are welcome to apply. The Loyola library will become the new Field House and Bobet Hall will be made into a bomb shelter. Gibson Hall will be remodeled into a Student Health Center with 6,000 beds. Added to this health center will be a ward for mentally disturbed students. Saga and the Tulane food service will also merge and will house their service in the Tulane library. The Tulane HULLABALOO and Loyola's MORON will combine under "THE MORABALOOJ" Toyola University photo: Oscar McMillan Presidential candidates respond candidly by Kurt Coins Already, 1976 has proven to be one of the most intriguing election years. In a time in which America faces crises both at home and abroad, the nation yearns for forceful, prudent leadership. At one time the Democratic Party had 13 candidates seeking its Presidential nomination. Now the contest centers on four turkeys, uh, contenders. They are: Jimmy Carter, the former governor of Georgia; Alabama Gov. George Wallace; Sen. Henry Jackson of Washington, and Rep. Morris Udall of Arizona. The Republican side features a duel between the incumbent President, Gerald Ford, and Ronald Reagan, former governor of California. In the interest of keeping the Loyola student body informed of the campaign's developments as it unfolds, the MORON obtained exclusive interviews with each of the candidates. Can a $45,000 a year peanut farmer find happiness in the White House? This is the crucial question confronting the voters as they assess the candidacy of Jimmy Carter. Conducting a superbly organized campaign, he has triumphed in five of the six primaries he has entered and has compiled a formidable delegates lead. The former Georgia chief executive has been accused of trying to please everyone. "I don't have to choose a position," said Carter of his own tactics, "so I won't." Carter commented that he represents "a New South" and is strongly committed to the cause of civil rights and the black community. He is a staunch opponent of forced busing to achieve racial integration. "I'm a redneck!" said Carter, "Busing violates the rights of my people!" Although he has professed to be a "non-Washington" candidate, Carter was recently seen at a party in the nation's capital. When asked about his discrepancy, Carter replied, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!" "Rome, Italy?" I asked. "No, Rome, GEORGIA!" With the country badly in need of honesty in government, Carter is sure to provide as much candor as Janus. "Ah'm in this campaign to stay!" bellowed George Wallace. Wallace wants to return the Presidency to the "people" and remove it from the "pointy-head intellectuals." The self-styled populist has changed from the days when he stood in front of schoolhouse doors. "Why, Ah don't have nuthin against Nee-grows. In fact every family should own one!" he said. Many have questioned his health, but his feelings are best expressed in the following excerpt: Q: Governor, do you feel that your health is a legitimate liability in this campaign? A: Of course not. You'll find other men that were paralyzed as I am, but have been great nonetheless. Q: You mean Franklin Delano Roosevelt? A: Hell, no! I mean Ironside! It appears that Governor Wallace is paralyzed in more than his legs. A member of the Senate for the 23 years, Henry Jackson is pro-labor, pro-civil rights and an ardent conservationist. In an interview conducted in the middle of a redwood forest, he revealed his feelings on the matters of defense and foreign policy. "I am opposed to defense spending cuts." he stated emphatically. Clad in a "Smokey the Bear" uniform the Senator described detente as a lop-sided policy favoring the Soviet Union. "I think we would take a giant step in the right direction by removing Henry Kissinger as Secretary of State. We need a man of tact and firmness who knows the Soviets well enough to cope with them," he said. "Accordingly, I would select Alexander Solzhenitsyn for the job." With ideas such as this Jackson may have to become accustomed to living in the redwood forest. Morris Udall (that's UdALL not UdDER), represents the sole hope of the left-wing Democrats of capturing the nomination. Boasting that his campaign would generate momentum as it progressed, Udall has lost every primary he's entered and has drawn miniscule delegate support. The Arizona Congressman sees the upcoming New York primary as an opportunity to propel his candidacy into the limelight. "I'll campaign in a cowboy suit a la McCloud in order to relate to the typical New Yorker.'" declared Udall. Gerald Ford has staged a strong bid to capture a term in the White House in his own right. The incumbent President was peeved at a recent interview, however, because he was interrupted while watching the Michigan-Indiana championship game. The President is running the campaign on his record. "I have proven my mettle in pressure-packed situations, such as the Nixon pardon, the Mayaguez incident and the New York City fiscal crisis." he commented. "I have acted deftly each time without losing my poise." With that the President stumbled back to the Oval Office and dribbled back to the basketball game. Ronald Reagan has conducted his campaign by the so-called eleventh commandment. "Thou shalt not talk evil about thine fellow Republicans." Defeats by Ford in five consecutive primaries have caused the former California governor to change his strategy. "Jerry said once that he's a Ford, not a Lincoln. I think he's turned out to be an Edsel." "I feel that my chance for the nomination is strong," Reagan said as he peered at the cue card indicating his reply. "I've had consistently at least 40 per cent of the vote in every primary, which represents a substantial force in the Republican party." Reagan has declared, "I'd rather be right than President." He'll be neither. LU sports die, Finney resigns In a press release yesterday the Very Rev. James Carter, S.J. called for the immediate termination of Intramural Sports, bringing the history of sports at Loyola to a sudden end. Father Carter cited the high cost of officials and the lack of coverage on the part of the MAROON as deterrents to any continuation of sports at Loyola. MORON sports editor, Pete Finney, Jr., announced Ms resignation following Father Carter's statement. Finney was immediately picked up by the States-Item to work in an editorial capacity on the sports desk. Sources close to that publication say they hope Finney can bring about the same sort of coup with the New Orleans Saints. In 1972 Loyola dropped out of participation in intercollegiate football due lack of interest and high costs. The intercollegiate basketball program was terminated. The demise of intramurals brings to a complete halt any sporting events at Loyola except roller skating in the Field House. In a press conference this morning Finney said that he does not deserve all the credit. "Jimmy Smith deserved some of the credit, too," Finney magnanimously explained.Smith served as sports editor last semester before Finney took over. Smith is alleged to have used no more than three column inches for intramural coverage in the entire semester. He has been employed at the Times-Picayune since leaving his post at the MORON. Pete Finney and Jimmy Smith—lmpossible Mission Force gains new employment