Moron

              The Moron THE LAST of the MORONS —S'HELP ME! Volume XI LOPOLA UNIVERSITY, NEW ORLEANS, LA., APRIL 1, 1933 No. 23 Roosevelt's Proclamation Affects Lopola President Demands Closing of Southern Institution Three Reasons for Drastic Action Given by Executive LUXURY, HOARDING, BEER BLAMED Toppino and Dentists Have Hand in New Tragedy Franklin I). Roosevelt, President of the United States of America, in a formal proclamation issued from the White House yesterday, declared that in accordance with his policy of a new deal, for the people of this nation, he would formally demand the closing of Lopola University of the South as' a definite menace to the future welfare of the nation. The hoarding of gold, the boycott of legalized beer by the members of the student body, and the unbridled luxury enjoyed by the students while the remainder of the nation faces near starvation were assigned by the chief executive as some of his reasons for the drastic move. In addition to these things, the president stated that Lopola was a hotbed of racial prejudice, citing the recent competition between Lopola's leading track representative and a member of the black race. Emniett Toppino in his recent victory over Metcalfe and Metcalfe's victory over Toppino have caused Lopola to go up in arms to such an extent that the dental school will no longer permit the introduction of colored material into the stiff room. In explaining his stand on the points pointed out as in point in the pointed point at the point of this pointed article, the president stated the following statements in a statement issued to statement takers from different states: 1. The students in the dental department of Lopola have seriously menaced the condition of the treasury of the United States and have forced the country to a point where it totters on the 4TH MOO COURT ENDS IN DRUNK, INCLUDING JEDGE Suit Brought by Cow Milked By the Wrong Gentleman JEDGE FREEZES "LIKES" VIC CHOPIN Jury is Charged With Scotch ! and Such by the J edge The fourth Moo Court Trial of the present scholastic year was held in Jedge Freezes uncivil dis-, trict court last night and early this morning. This court was called a "Moo" court because it { concerned a cow which was milked ! on A's premises by B in the ulti- j mate presence of C. It seemed i that A. (not the cow) kicked upon discovering this maltreatment, whereupon B. said the kicking was a lot of bull. C. proved it was a cow, and this retort caused a suit in tort. The suit was purchased vTj tne coWTit Holmes, whereupon all three offenders wept holme and became intoxicated, causing the cow to file a counter suit. The j cow borrowed the counter from ' Grant's department store, and Jedge Freezes was obliged to! grant this. When brought to the witness stand (tho the witness sat throughout) by Liar Leo Blessing (God knows what he was blessing, but anyway), C stated that he was not milking the cow, but shooting craps. "Of all things to shoot", demonstrated Jedge Freezes, "goodness . . . goodness my, haven't you collitch fellas no dignity?" The jedge's remark was strewn over the records by the Cluck of Court. The old duck, pardon, the cluck, had no business to strew it on the records. Think of the poor charwoman. "Where did you get them?" demanded the plaintive (and we admit the sound he made was not a plaintive melody). "Ex-lax", responded the jedge to the plaintive man. "I don't know", answered C. (but he spoke to the plaintive, not the jedge)" we found them on a table." "Shades of Dietrich's trousers", exclaimed the jedge, "on a table! Verily, this is getting worser and worser. What on earth were things like that doing on a table?" NEW EDITOR NAMED FLASH!—As the Moron goes to press a pair of pants, we receive the exhilarating information that Bernard Parun, ex-swabber of decks on the Swiss Navy's flagship, "Caramba," and erstwhile night student at Lopola, has been made editor of the Lopola Maroon for next year. Mr. Parun was appointed to Lopola's highest journalistic post by the Evening Students' Activity Board. The appointment has the full approval of Booker T. Washington, Adolph Hitler, A 1 Leach and Shorty West. WAR AVERTED! FLASH!—As the Moron goes to press you close to my heart, dear, we receive information that a Loyola student, Albert "Solomon" Rose, almost caused the severance of diplomatic relations among Gei-many, Italy and the United States. This threatening war cloud began when Rose, who is a student at Loyola and consequently under American jurisdiction, determined to register a formal protest with the German government against Chancellor Hitler's persecution of the Jews. Benito Mussolini, famed Italian dictator, was in Berlin at the time, however, and upon learning of the Loyolan's intentions, "II Puce" cabled Rose to dry up immediately and not holler about what tjid not concern him. Rose, ever ready to obey the mandates of his coun- I try's rulers, consequently re- i frained from filing the protest, and another World War was averted. Lopola Band is Victor in Tilts Connolly Crooks Win Interna-1 tional Music Contest New Laurels were added to old i ones today, as Loyola's 250 Piece! Band won the Title of World's Best Over Sumphuny College's or-j ganization. The winning selection was none other than the famous "Moon Gravel", especially arranged by Andy Herman Kreller, 10th Trumpet player of the Band. The most soulful and touching portion of the arrangement was the Gavotte movement, featuring *.)6 Bass Drums and 2 flutes. Prior to the winning selection Bernie Manale rendered a special Flagolet Solo, with Harmonium accompaniment by Harry Mendelsohn. The Title of this gorgeous number was, "Rain, Rain, Rain, Raindrops." The Chorus effect with the entire Band playing with Umbrellas and Raincoats was very effective. Fortunately the stage hands, Sullivan and Galle, were able to ring down the curtain in i record time, thus preventing to a certain degree a vegetable and fruit deluge. President Connolly, however, received the bombardment in its full fury when he went to the footlights for one of his famous impromptu unimportant speeches. Latest reports state that he is doing well. ALLIGATORS GET PURPLE DOILIES (By Collitch Noose Soivice) Myomy, Fla., Sept. 18.—In accordance with rules laid down at the recent S. P. C. A. convention held at Lopola in New Orleans, MYOMY this week began dressing Florida alligators with the cutest little purple doilies A movement to make the doilies out of ma_roon and gold cloth iq honor of our recent hosts was tabled pending the shortage of gold and the crocodiles' reaction to this type of garb. PHARMACY SCHOOL  TO BEGIN COURSE  IN BEER BREWING  New Course Will Replace Sandwich Making and Tire Vulcanizing Classes CHAS. F. RONIGER NAMED HEAD New Leader Gives Pharmacy College a Beer Holiday Charles F. Roniger, Bachelor of Ginology, will conduct a class in brewing, according to recent announcement by the faculty of the College of Pharmacy. The decision to install the beer course came as a result of the recent legalization of beer, and is designed to replace the courses in sandwich making, and tire vulcanizing which were formerly the major subjects in the pill rollers' division. It was announced that the regular one hour per week of study in the chemistry lab, on the filling of prescriptions will be continued for the present. This course, however, has become so relatively unimportant in the life of the pharmacist that it is possible that shortly the time devoted to it will be cut to half an hour. Formerly the study of sandwiches and the component parts of jig-saw puzzles and radios comprised the major portion of a pharmacy student's worries, but with the recent act of Congress, beer will take its place in the curriculum and the stein and mug will replace the mortar and pestle. The appointment of Dr. Roniger was hailed by the majority of the students as the wisest move that the faculty could possibly have made. Dr. Roniger's long experience with gin and his consequent skill in mixing will stand him in good stead when he plunges his arms in the suds. Dr. Roniger's first act in his new capacity was to declare that there will be a full holiday for the students of the department on April 7. He also stated that free beer will be distributed to the student body as a whole. When the announcement was made official, the only statement made by the student body was, "Well, we'll just have to gin and beer it." RIDOLFO NAMED BOXING COACH (By Colliteh Noose Soivice) Ohoho, June 13 (night of)—At the insistence of Ralph Metbull. | sensational Ohoho Olympic run-1 ner, "Hip" Ridolfo, student boxing manager at Lopola of the South, was named head boxing j coach at Ohoho this week. Met- I bull, who is Rodolfo's closest buddy, claimed that his pal had beaten Dempsey, farnera, Sharkey and Schmelling at one sitting. Reports from Lopola are to the effect that "Hip" is delighted with his new appointment, and says "I will kiss dear Ralph on the cheek." He also promised Ohoho the "best boxing team this side of Harlem." FLASH The Moron learned today on reliable information that the Rev. Eugene J. O'Connor, S. J., head of the English Department, had accepted a thesis after the candidate for degree had rewritten it only fifteen times. Notice was immediately given to the Dean, who explained that Father O'Connor was threatened with cardiachyperthropy. It is understood the student's name was Ganella.Students to Open A Beer Qarden Love, Miller and Other Crooks Combine Interests to Souse Students According to latest reports several students will shortly combine their interests, and open a Beer Garden which will probably become a popular Student Rendezvous.The Students are Sam Love, Johnny Schiro, Russell Blunk, and Dennis M iller. Owing to the l'act that their individual sales via the bootleg route have dropped off so much lately, since Congress has legalized Beer, these students have decided to mate a lawful profit henceforth. All help and management will be done by the owners. This will be second nature to Blunk and Schiro, wTio formerly worked as waiters in the Planter's Hotel. Miller and Love will serve as bouncers and mug breakers. This, likewise, will be easy, as they both have played football before. The only thing bothering the owners of the proposed joint is the handling of the financial end, as none of the four will trust the others, nor can any of them make change for over 50c. WE FORGOT WHAT WE WANTED TO SAY, HIC (By Collitch Noose Soivice) Marylemonade, er, Louiseginfizz, pardon, Minnesota, April 7.— We forgot what we wanted to say. Anyway, we have a severe headache (see date line) and the tomato juice has not come yet. We ran out, and had to order some from Canada. (There is none left in these United States.) MUSICALE TO BE OFFERED BY DEAR PROFESSOR AMATO "Dance of the Dinosaurs" Is Among Classics Offered LENTEN SEASON IS FEATURED Professor Is Having a Hard Time Getting an Accompanist Professor Jacobvitzh Amato will entertain (?) by the rendition of several of his own so-called compositions; and several classical selections in addition will be murdered on the violin as only Jakie can do. While it is very probable that no one will be fool enough to attend, the Music School urges every prospective violinist to attend. The opportunity of pointing out every possible error in violin playing will be afforded by Amato's natural ability. No announcement as yet has been made as to who will accompany Amato. However, it is well rumored that "Izzy" Lazarus will do so. The program follows: 1. "Dance of the Dinosaurs," by Prof. J. Amato. 2. Valse "La Slop," by Lucien Delery. 3. "Mud Pies" (novelty), by Prof. Amato. 4. "Serenade to the Ground Hogs," by Harry Mendelsohn. 5. "Duet for Two Violins," 3rd violin part by J. J. H. 6. Finale, "Tiger Rag," by Roppolo. DAILY SPECTACLE MAKES SURVEY (By Collitch Noose Soivice) Atalanta, Georgia, October 12, 1493.—According to a survey by the Daily Spectacle, the Columbine University stiff revealed today the amazing discovery that exactly one year ago today Columbus discovered America. The news survey was brought to Columbine by an Indian pony express from Puerto Rico. The Indian's name was revealed as "Paleface" Shaheen, and he fled the island Columbus lived upon because the Talty Tea Water reminded him of the things that usta was. Lozes and Prof. Aguilera to Debate at Morphine "Carmen", Dottie Wahl and Other Cast Friends To Judge AGUILERA'S GIRL FRIEND INCLUDED Tullos To Clear the House by Singing "My River Home" Felicien Lozes, dashing Baronne Street Hero, and Prof. Henry Aguilera will engage in wordful battle next Tuesday evening at 11:30. The debate will be held in the lobby of the Morphine Theatre directly after the main evening performance, and the judges will be "Carmen" and three other girls from the cast, including Dottie Wahl, who is rumored to be Aguilera's latest girl friend. All the participants will take places on tjie stage for the last act of the evening show, and Lawrence Babst will act as Toastmaster, providing of course there is enough toast to go around. It is not certain yet, but very probable that Willie Dardis, Leo Blessing, Bill Barber, and "Sluefoot" Brierre will dance the last few steps with the girls of the chorus. At the conclusion of this Dardis will electrify the audience with his famous adagio dance, with Charles "Bunny Rubbit" Mary and Elma Mae Chopin. The subject for the debate after the performance will be "Erraditifaction of the Bumble Bee." In order that the house be cleared promptly after the debate Frank Tullos will sing several so-called ballads, including "My River Home," and the violin strains of Mr. Sauline Kline and Prof. Arnato will be heard. It is HELL BREAKS LOOSE (By Colliteh Noose Soivice) New Heaven, Conn., April 6 (beer day) — Hell broke loose on the c£mpus this week, and a vegetable shortage was declared. The reason was attributed to a concert given by the Yelola Glee Club. The Southerners sang selections from "The Prince of Pepsin."(Continued on page 2) (Continued on page 2). (Continued on page 4) Wul lop Ihe Wolves Of especial interest to the inmates is the announcement forthcoming from the editor of this rag this week, an announcement stating that the burlesque issue of Lopola's weekly student publication will appear next week. "This is the logical time to announce the annual burlesque issue," cackled the editor. Drink, drink, drink, you men of the South, The beer, made as it was of old. Drink, drink, drink, like men of the South, And down as much as you can hold. You men who drink and drain, And bravely tip the stein, We know you can contain A lot of beer and wine. So drink, drink, drink, you men of the South For no longer it's a crime. Wallop The Wolves As the Moron goes to press fermented grapes, we [earn with sorrow that Mahatma Ghandi, the great lecturer, has cancelled his Marquette Hall address to the students of the institution, because of an unfortunate accident. The great liberator lost a safety pin in the vicinity of the music school building, and consequently will be unable to appear in public at the present time. Mr. Ghandi was scheduled to address the inmates on the subject: "A Pin Prick in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush." In place of Mr. Ghandi, Done Skiing of. the Music School, will deliver a substitute address on "Grieg: the Man Who Thrilled and Pleased Both Musician? and Stenographers."